some coherent rambling, early 2009.
I checked in today with this godsend of a blog for hopeful MFA (creative writing) applicants. Such a sense of dread has seeped in, it seems strangely familiar yet I feel unworthy of this weighted awaiting. Acceptance. How much of it measures in many single moments?
Ever get the urge to quantify and back your accomplishments or otherwise with an unnerving sense of logic and if not then apply that inherent humane sense that you inherited from your parents? I think I must do it all the time. I'm refusing almost at every curve, to be part of 'THE' process. Don't get me wrong, it's not because I have no cause and that I want to ride against the wave of things for the heck of it. But more so because I'm distinctly aware that the multitude of possibilities and their deviations are as available to me, as they might be to the third person from the right, and all it comes down to is who chooses to and who chooses not to.
I'd imagine myself wiping off drops of water off a 13 year old pan with a mousy scrub, wondering simultaneously if the scrub should be replaced and of the severe options that presented itself in youthful versions of working my head and heart, that I morosely let go by. All this while I pick the grit in my nails.
I hope I live up to glorious ideas of the person in my head...Imagine living the rest of your life justifying a here and now, when you know in the cavities of your chest you could have changed it. For me, the word 'settled' always caused a numbing of the intestinal area somewhat. I hear of stories. take a year off, travel the world or choose a continent and become the local gnat on a local bar window. Life experiences are what it's about. Seriously, something must be said for people who have the nerve to get up and get going.
So I hope, that a decade later, I can bravely claim for myself that I tried to pursue that which fires me and will continue to blaze away in one way or another. That we are women, qualifies us more than ever to never give up on our thoughts and their processes.
Ever get the urge to quantify and back your accomplishments or otherwise with an unnerving sense of logic and if not then apply that inherent humane sense that you inherited from your parents? I think I must do it all the time. I'm refusing almost at every curve, to be part of 'THE' process. Don't get me wrong, it's not because I have no cause and that I want to ride against the wave of things for the heck of it. But more so because I'm distinctly aware that the multitude of possibilities and their deviations are as available to me, as they might be to the third person from the right, and all it comes down to is who chooses to and who chooses not to.
I'd imagine myself wiping off drops of water off a 13 year old pan with a mousy scrub, wondering simultaneously if the scrub should be replaced and of the severe options that presented itself in youthful versions of working my head and heart, that I morosely let go by. All this while I pick the grit in my nails.
I hope I live up to glorious ideas of the person in my head...Imagine living the rest of your life justifying a here and now, when you know in the cavities of your chest you could have changed it. For me, the word 'settled' always caused a numbing of the intestinal area somewhat. I hear of stories. take a year off, travel the world or choose a continent and become the local gnat on a local bar window. Life experiences are what it's about. Seriously, something must be said for people who have the nerve to get up and get going.
So I hope, that a decade later, I can bravely claim for myself that I tried to pursue that which fires me and will continue to blaze away in one way or another. That we are women, qualifies us more than ever to never give up on our thoughts and their processes.
posted by freakshow at
7:38 PM
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